


if it makes you less sad, i’ll start talking again

by malecflowers



Series: Philkas week [5]
Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Confessions, Happy Ending, M/M, and philip is sad, as always i didnt proofread well so ignore any errors, basically lukas talking about how he feels about the murders, woah two fics in one day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-06
Updated: 2017-01-06
Packaged: 2018-09-15 06:45:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9223619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malecflowers/pseuds/malecflowers
Summary: Lukas talks about how the murders effected him.philkas week day 5 - confession





	

Philip’s body was warm and comforting, pressed up against Lukas’s side. His hand was resting gently on Lukas’s chest and he was tracing shapes on his skin. And it was comforting, it really was, but it didn’t stop the uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach that kept Lukas awake at night. He knew that Philip felt the same way he did about everything that had happened to them, but somehow he seemed to be so much better at coping than Lukas was, and it was frustrating.  
He turned his head, looking away from Philip and and up at the ceiling instead. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before speaking quietly, hoping Philip wouldn’t notice how his voice was shaking. “How come it’s so much easier for you to deal with all this?” He heard Philip sigh and felt him shift slightly before responding, as if the question made him uncomfortable. And knowing Philip’s past, all the things that he has been through, it probably did make him uncomfortable. “It’s not. I guess I’ve just gotten better at hiding my feelings because of everything else…” his voice trailed off at the end. It clearly wasn’t actually the end of his sentence, but he didn’t want to finish so Lukas just nodded and looked back down at Philip, “it’s okay. I get it.”  
Lukas tried to offer up a small smile, but he realized that it probably just looked awkward and forced, so instead he leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss on Philip’s forehead. Philip sighed softly and leaned into Lukas’s touch, closing his eyes. Lukas let his lips linger for a moment before pulling away and laying back. He pulled Philip closer to him, wrapping his arms around the smaller boy.  
Philip looked up at Lukas a paused for a minute, like he was trying to make up his mind about something. “What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?” Lukas asked, brushing away few stray strands of hair that were covering Philip’s eyes. Philip shook his head slightly and moved so he was propped up on his elbow. “You think too much. You’re always lost in your head, I can tell. But you don’t ever talk about what you think or how you feel. I don’t know…” Philip said, shrugging slightly, “I guess I just don’t get why you won’t talk to me about it.”  
As he spoke, Philip’s hand was drawing small circles on Lukas’s chest right next to the scar from where he was shot and he was watching his hand. He had this look on his face like he was scared, but not scared like he had been the night of the murders. He looked scared the same way he had when Lukas shoved him against the wall of the shed before begging him not to tell what they had seen. It was a look of fear that just screamed ‘I’m vulnerable, please don’t hurt me’ and seeing Philip with that look, again, and knowing that he’d cause that fear was awful. It felt like someone had punched a hole in his chest, and Lukas was desperate to make both the feeling in his chest and the look on Philip’s face go away.  
“Here, I’ll tell you something. Will that help?” Philip nodded and settled back down so he was laying against Lukas’s chest. “In a way, I guess I’m kind of glad the murders happened…” Lukas said, his eyes focused on watching his hands running through Philips hair. He noticed Philip’s forehead crinkle as his expression changed from one of content to confusion, and it prompted Lukas to continue talking.  
“I mean, in no way am I glad that people died, and the nightmares aren’t exactly fun, but if the cabin shooting hadn’t happened I think things would probably be very different for us. I don’t think I would have been able to keep seeing you after what we did that night. Kissing you like that… I gave in to a lot of feelings I’d been trying my whole life to hide, and it felt good. But as soon as it was over I kind of hated myself for feeling that way about you, just because you’re a boy….” he shrugged. “I don’t know… I just know that I would have done anything to keep those feelings hidden. That’s why I don’t think I could have kept seeing you like that if none of this had happened, I was too desperate to hide my feelings. But then I feel like we kind of got forced together by these murders and the secrets. And, somehow, despite all the bad shit, it’s still one of the best things that’s ever happened to me because I have you now.”  
Lukas felt like a weight was being lifted off his chest as he spoke. “But at the same time I really wish it hadn’t happened. Mostly just because seeing all that shit really messed me up, you know?” Lukas said, looking down at Philip with a look full of sadness. “I think I could have been better for you, less of an asshole, if I wasn’t dealing with all of this shit because the murders… I just hate it so much, the way i treated you. you didn’t deserve it at all…” he trailed off and avoided making eye contact with Philip until the smaller boy reached up and used his fingers under Lukas’s chin to move his head so he had to look at Philip.  
“Thank you for telling me that. It means so much. And I know you feel shit for the way you treated me, but you’re making it better and that’s all that matters.” Philip’s voice was soft and kind and it immediately had a calming effect on Lukas. He nodded and leaned in to kiss Philip’s cheek before settling back down and holding him close, “I love you, you know?”  
Philip smiled and snuggled closer to Lukas, nodding, “Yeah, I know. I love you too." Lukas smiled too and closed his eyes. He let himself fall asleep feeling safe and warm and happy with the boy he loves sleeping in his arms.


End file.
